If you’re anything like me, you’re overjoyed to see all the changes happening in our society. Millennials have risen up to change the world for the better and they are taking swift action to see their utopia come to fruition.
I thought we should all take a moment and look at the wisdom and intellect of these brave, woke souls.
Millennial competence in basic tasks:
84% can’t change a lightbulb or assemble furniture
Only 63% can recognize a butterknife; only 25% can bake a cake from a boxed mix, and only 40% can make a salad dressing or carve a turkey.
75% can’t change a tire
Don’t know how to reheat leftovers
Can’t read a clock
Can’t open a can of paint
Okay, Okay, that’s just how they manage in the world, but that’s because they’re strictly intellectuals, and after all, the woke revolution is an intellectual movement. It’s about what’s right and wrong and not letting the mistakes of the past repeat themselves. Obviously, they’re aware of …Uh oh.
I’ve heard that people who are against the woke revolution in any way are hateful Nazis. I hear that word all the time. We can be sure, then, that at least they know all about – uh oh.
66% don’t know what Auschwitz was.
40% Don’t know 6 million Jews died in the holocaust.
22% don’t even know what the holocaust was.
But hey, you don’t need to know history to vote! They still know right from wrong so all they have to do is vote their conscience, and pick the right candidate. Aw crap!
59% don’t even know who their local candidates are?
Okay maybe they don’t know who’s running in the election, but at least they know what they want… …right?
Millennial political positions are incoherent.
Well, maybe they don’t know anything because they’re too busy hanging out with friends. They’re still pretty young.
22% of millennials report not having a single friend
Okay but they could make friends if they wanted to.
Well, who needs friends when you’re too busy having sex
Okay, we shouldn’t be having sex before marriage anyway, so maybe they’re just saving themselves until then
…Well, maybe they’re not interested in marriage, but they’re not having sex because they’re too busy raising the next generation.
Well, maybe they don’t know how to do anything, don’t know anything about history, don’t know how to communicate, make friends, maintain relationships or have a family because they’re too busy protesting.
Ah. There it is.
And great news! They’re going to make the world a better place!
That article that showed liberals were more likely to suffer psychosis is obviously not legit. If liberals do suffer psychosis at much higher rates, it’s only because they have to deal with conservatives, right?
Millennials do like porn, though
And porn is harmless, of course
Well, I don’t know about you guys, but I feel reassured. With millennials protesting in record numbers and demanding changes to public policy (like defunding the police), I feel like we’re in good hands. Knowing so many millennials are out there demanding substantive change makes me feel safe. Our society is woke, and so the society millennials are ushering in, will probably be one of peace and tranquility.